wish these blogs were happier

Sometimes I think I am at peace and then it all falls apart in my head. Maybe it's the holidays bringing me down,  or maybe it's something else. I know how blessed I am and what a beautiful family I have and Lord knows I am so lucky they are of good health and mark has a great job, we live in a great town ect but why am I always so down?????

Biggest fear

I wish there was a way to overcome what haunts me the most. My absolute biggest fear besides something happening to Logan is something happening to Mark. I am terrified of losing him. Every single day I watch the clock, watch my phone. . I am on wxyz traffic and mdot constantly checking traffic incidents on roads he travels to make sure it isn't him. If he is just a few minutes late I am already broken out in hives and in the bathroom losing what I ate that day. God forbid his phone be dead or him having bad service and I don't hear from him and it's a half hour from when I should, two times now I have called his building at work asking them to connect me to him.  Every one including my doctor says that's silly you need to calm down and relax, meditate, keep yourself busy whatever it takes. . Nothing works. Every day I think he is dead. That's a terrible feeling to feel every. Single.  Day.

Jenifer

I don't even know where to start with this post.  How do I start a post about an animal who I can't even bare to look at  pictures of or talk outloud about without tearing up? Every time I visit her at the cemetery I try to tell her I miss her but I can never get it out. I feel like I put her there. It was my fault. I could have done something more. Instead I listened to the vet talk me into giving her clavamox to treat the bacterial infection along her gums a couple months prior to her ultimate prognosis stupid, idiot me mixed up clavamox with baytril.. she had been on both in the past. Did well on one and the other tore up her stomach so she couldn't take it. I thought it was baytril she couldn't have. Wrong. I, myself,  gave her the tiny syringe of clavamox. Immediately she started vomiting and continued to vomit almost every half hour for the next 48 hours. It was the weekend, vet was closed. I thought I was going to have to put her down then it was that bad. But that Monday the vet gave her some fluids and she perked back up. Not eating for over 2 days can cause liver failure in cats. Jenifer's liver was failing in May. Was it a normal 18 year old cat's system shutting down naturally or was it my fault? Did I kill her? I was the one who GAVE IT TO HER.  I may as well have euthanized her myself.  I will never know if it was the clavamox that did it but I will forever have guilt in my heart and I will forever feel like I killed her. I know I killed her. She trusted me. Ultimately I caused her daily pain. Sticking her with needles, daily.  Watching her turn into a rack of bones. I still can't believe I will never see you again. Even though I was in the room kneeling down looking into your eyes as they glazed over and was left with your body in my lap riding to the cemetery,  even though I saw you in the coffin and watched them bury you, I still can't believe you are gone.  People are probably like why can't she just get over it, it is just a pet, just a cat. She was more than that. Then again everyone says that about their pet, that they are family. But she was with me for everything.  Everything. She was my bit on sanity I clung onto during my darkest times the past few years. Now it is Halloween time and all I see is black cat decorations. I want MY black cat. And she is alone, rotting  without me. This post has nothing to do with Louie. He is the best little boy cat there is. But Jenifer was my childhood pet, my special special darling cat. I miss her so much.  Losing her in May was the icing on my cake of insanity. September has really gone downhill.  I'm sad daily and no matter what I do I can't stop grieving. I saw my doctor on Tuesday.  One look at me and she suggested we double my dosage of lexapro. Hope it helps.

Lexapro

Since I'm pretty sure no one follows this anyway I am going to get deep down and personal.

I finally made a life realization this last July that something is not chemically right with me. I haven't felt good in a long time, maybe even a few years. I am very easily stressed and that being said I guess I have always felt that I am my own ticking time bomb.

We married early and moved over an hour away which was such an adventure but it was also a huge change and we did not have a lot of money and quickly living check to check turned into our checking account pretty much going negative.  Our apartment was a total piece of work and things were always breaking. We did our grocery shopping at Walmart, which we both hated, but they approved us for a credit card.  (They give amazing APR rates by the way. ...Not!)

After a few months I finally was able to find a job and one friend in the area. The job was reasonable close by which was a bonus considering driving new roads gave me huge anxiety. I was still driving my cavalier at the time and until we leased the Jeep I never realized how uncomfortable I was with driving a car. .. The SUV does not give me half the amount of anxiety that car did.

The job was stressful.. customers expected me to know them by face and name pretty much immediately because the 2 other girls had worked there for 10+ years. We were always behind with things. Always something to do and I found myself running around like crazy trying to do a million things at once. I cried a few times driving home from work over the amount of stress the job was giving me. Things with work improved once we became extremely close with one of the girls working there and it was such a nice change to have a friend to talk to and see out of work. Life felt more complete with having her in my life.

In September of 2011 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  I remember that Tuesday entirely down to what I was wearing.  It took weeks before we knew her prognosis and stage.  For all I knew she was stage 4. I had to continue to go to work, smile at customers,  plan meals, make meals, clean, handle finances,  all while having this 24/7 living nightmare and having to keep her spirits high. Then I had to sit in the hospital for 12 hours while she had part of her lung removed and every moment I waited to be told she didn't make it. All while seeing that look on my dad's face. You never want to see that much pain and worry on someone you love's face.

Fast forward to more recent events.  We moved back to trenton to be closer to our family. I wanted to be at all my mom's chemos. My old job offered me my old position back.  Mark was still working in Jackson and living at the cottage while I was living with my parents until we could get the house livable. I think I cried myself to sleep every single night. My thoughts get the best of me when I'm alone.

Now we are all moved in and mark has a job closer with better pay. My mom has a couple more chemos left. Things should be looking up except they're not because my childhood pet and the most extraordinary cat in the world is very sick. I missed one of my mom's chemos because she was so sick. I find out over the phone that my cat is diabetic and will need to be stuck with needles twice a day for the rest of her life to survive. I broke down and sobbed. Considered putting her to sleep then. I didn't want to ruin her life and put her in pain every day. She hated car rides and the vet and her being diabetic meant a lot of vet appointments for the rest of her life. I told the vet enough is enough and they walked away thinking euthanasia was what was going to happen.  I sat alone in the room and she meowed at me almost like it's okay mom, I want to be with you even if I am sick. Don't put me down. And so I didnt. And I watched her go up and down like a roller coaster. I worried about her every second at work. Worried about her the second I opened my eyes in the morning.

Every 6 months my mom would be rechecked for cancer. Worried about that. Worried God was going to hurt me more and cause Mark to get in a car accident on the way to work. Worried my cat was going to die. Worried about money. Always money. Wanted that seemingly perfect newlywed life with the white picket fence and living stress free and being in love and happy and in my mind we had been dealt a whole ton of shit. I never experienced that happily ever after newlywed thing because we were immediately thrown over our heads with problems. I was boiling inside over it. What should have been but wasn't. I didn't have friends to talk to. I always felt so alone and so angry. Nothing was good anymore. Sick cat, shitty job with customers who treated me like dirt, off and on sick mom, stressed dad, zero money, thousands of dollars in credit card debt, 2 shitty cars and waiting for one of them to take a permanent shit and be even more fucked.. A million things to fix up around the house which equals more money spent.

Anxiety and stress took me over. What used to be a laughable OCD turned into what I realize now was real OCD. Some dirt on the floor or a finger print on the microwave made me upset. Nothing was perfect and everything always needed to be perfect. I inspected the kitchen and every inch of floor space until it was perfect in my mind... it never was. Things like smudges and tiny bits of dirt were like permanent splinters. I was easily aggravated and could never explain why. Now I realize it was because I was and am suffering a personality disorder. 

I became pregnant in March of 2013. I was sick sick sick for probably the first 3 months. Still working, now full time. Experiencing the normal pregnancy issues with a sore back and being exhausted.  Still working, still broke, still with a off and on sick cat, getting everything ready for baby. November 5th I went into labor. I took it like a champ for the most part and I was really proud of myself for holding it together and even impressing both our parents. That was until maybe hour 33 and I was in the most pain I have ever been through. Imagine someone snapping your back in half. That's how it feels. And constantly re snapping it for 4 hours. Having Logan was no problem,  it was the back labor that was the worst.  But I had him within 25 minutes of pushing. Did great with that. He was perfect. Then the nurses decided he wasn't breathing the right way and take him away from me to the NICU. My hormones were all of of whack. I was exhausted from labor and delivery and lack of sleep. I was bleeding like I have never bled before. I was starving from not eating in over 2 days. I was sick of being stuck in that hospital room.  My nerves were majorly on end. I became quickly paranoid and suffered a huge mental breakdown. Sobbed uncontrollably in the bathroom for probably 45 minutes minutes for no reason whatsoever. Now looking back I know I had post partom depression for a good couple of months. I was horrible to Mark. I am guilt ridden over how I treated him now but I know it wasn't really my fault. I wasn't me.

Fast forward even more to May of 2014. My cat has taken a turn for the worst. I am still trying to be mother of the year, no longer working,  and also wife and daughter of the year. Trying to make everyone happy. Run the perfect household and life. Still while having major money issues and worrying about everything and everyone every second. House is never clean enough. There's a fingerprint on the stove. Jenifer keeps throwing up. Is she going to die? My mom's scans are coming up. Is she going to be okay?  Mark is 5 minutes late texting me that he has made it in one piece to work. Has he gotten in an accident? Is he dead?  How will I survive without him? He is pretty much my one and only friend and confidant.  What will I do if he's gone? Why hasn't he texted me? Shit did I hear a cop just pull up in the driveway?  No its just the asshole next door with his stupid truck running loud. Oh finally there's the text I was waiting for. Time to get back on track and be mom and wife of the year again. Our garage door broke. Our fridge broke. Everything is breaking. I feel my life breaking apart. Nothing is good anymore. I am all smiles with my son and I have never performed anything other than my best in terms of being his mother. But when he is sleeping that turns off for a minute and my severe anxiety and depression takes over. I am waking up sad. Going to bed sad. My cat is losing so much weight. I know in my heart she isn't fixable. And then we find out she isn't.  Her liver is failing. Happy birthday, Casey. Happy 1st Mother's Day. Happy, Happy, Happy. Then I wait around watching her suffer for a week until we are able to put her down.  Who do you have? Jenifer. A spay right?  No, you dumb fucking bitch. You are killing her today. How about you read your computer  before you make today any worse for us??? Jenifer is looking me in the eye as her eyes glaze over and she is dead. I hold her dead body in my lap all the way to the cemetery.  I smell her deteriorating body the entire ride. How will I go on without my darling cat, who has been part of my life for 18 years,  who has lived my life alongside of me, who loves me so dearly? I watch them put her in the ground but all I want to do is leave. I've had enough.

We do get a kitten who brings some joy into my life and gives me a sense of happiness.  Deep down the depression still lingers and consumes me. I feel like I'm putting on a happy mask every day when inside I am on fire. Everything sucks. My hands shake. I am losing so much sleep and my stomach often hurts.

July of 2014 is when I accept that I need to talk to someone and get on medication.  It is the best thing for my family that this time bomb is put out. I am sick of being sad, upset, stressed and not whole. I want to be happy. I don't want to be depressed anymore.  I don't want to have these anxiety attacks anymore.

So now I am on lexapro. So far it has helped a lot but I still find it easy to slip into my old habits.  I still am obsessing over losing loved ones. I am still experiencing OCD. I don't know if I am as sad. I think I am feeling better.  I missed a dose a couple of days ago and I sure do regret that mistake. The entire day I was on edge and felt like breaking down and crying. My hands shook. I couldn't explain why I felt like I did and it was really scary. No more missing doses.

Hopefully everything gets better from here. I really need an non negative atmosphere to heal. When arguments erupt I want to run far away.. I don't want to awaken that ticking time bomb I have hidden away inside me.

Thinking about everything we have been through and I have been through the past few years I have no regret over being on lexapro, it is kind of no wonder why I am the way I am. The fact that I am still functioning and have never given less than my best to my son is a complete accomplishment. I hope slowly but surely this disorder gets locked away for good.

Temper tantrums

Tantrums before 8am on a Monday should be illegal.  This morning's drama revolves around our TV remote and Logan not being able to reach it on the couch. can we fast forward to Tuesday night?  I get my husband all to my self (Logan gets him too so I guess half to myself) for almost a week to celebrate our 4th (marriage) anniversary!  In October we will be celebrating 10 years of being together. Getting Elsa in four days. I'm pretty happy with how Bill is progressing here.. hopefully we can get Els to like the bunnies and vice versa. . I'm a little nervous on how it will work. That being said, on a side note I think I have the flesh eating disease because I keep getting bleeding scabs all around my eyes and this has been going on all month long.

Bill

We are doing the unthinkable. . We are fostering a rabbit. It has always been a taboo for us because we did not want to get attached knowing they would eventually be taken from us.. and we get attached quick to animals.  But that being said I know in my heart it is the best thing for this rabbit. He was found wandering around outside Allen Park High School and taken in by a very nice friend of Mark's Aunt's. She knew she couldn't keep him but kept him safe until someone could come along and give him a home. This guy is 9 months old and is some sort of himalayan, lion head angora mix. He has one ear that stands up and one that flops. Maybe 4 pounds max, if that. Not a skeleton but still could benefit from being fattened up. No real health concerns except he isn't neutered yet and should be.. He does not have fleas or ticks. We are guessing he is an Easter dump. Ie a couple of geniuses bought their brat a bunny for Easter and the brat got bored and parents didn't want to deal with the bunny themselves so they let him go into the wild where he belongs! Not. You almost just sentenced him to death. Total and complete utter waste of human beings. That's a rant for another time. But about Bill, (I named him Bill after True Blood Bill) he is very very sweet and docile. Laid back says it mildly.  He shows zero signs of aggression and almost seems zoned out or drugged because he is so chill. He ate hay and greens right away. Wasn't sure about the kibble but tried it and loves it. Went right in his pan to pee and since has continued to pee in his pan. Was pooping everywhere but the pan at first but after 8 hours or so is now going into pan to poop. I've picked up 2 isolated poops all day from his pen so that is just amazing.  Maybe is showing better habits than my 2 bunnies. We are going to bring him down to play later. I am really trying to not get attached.  We need another animal like a hole in the head. It's hard though.

Boxes

Logan received his Citrus Lane yesterday and for the first time since we started subscribing in March I did not have him open it himself. Care.com recently bought CL and I wondered if service would get better or worse and so far the quality of the products is still present but the packaging and care in putting together the boxes was unacceptable. It looked like Logan already ripped it open. There was only one thing for him in the box. The other 3 items were for me moreso so I didn't see a point of giving the box to him. The toy he got this month was very cute and he loves it so that's good. (At least) I also signed up with Petbox for Elsa, they had a great promo deal going on.. The small sub which is normally $9.95 monthly was on sale for $3.33. So I figured why not for three bucks. Yeah got that today and great quality but not worth spending $10 a month for one item when we are at petsmart once every 5 days or so..Miss Elsa can pick out her own toys there.  Here's pictures.