Lexapro

Since I'm pretty sure no one follows this anyway I am going to get deep down and personal.

I finally made a life realization this last July that something is not chemically right with me. I haven't felt good in a long time, maybe even a few years. I am very easily stressed and that being said I guess I have always felt that I am my own ticking time bomb.

We married early and moved over an hour away which was such an adventure but it was also a huge change and we did not have a lot of money and quickly living check to check turned into our checking account pretty much going negative.  Our apartment was a total piece of work and things were always breaking. We did our grocery shopping at Walmart, which we both hated, but they approved us for a credit card.  (They give amazing APR rates by the way. ...Not!)

After a few months I finally was able to find a job and one friend in the area. The job was reasonable close by which was a bonus considering driving new roads gave me huge anxiety. I was still driving my cavalier at the time and until we leased the Jeep I never realized how uncomfortable I was with driving a car. .. The SUV does not give me half the amount of anxiety that car did.

The job was stressful.. customers expected me to know them by face and name pretty much immediately because the 2 other girls had worked there for 10+ years. We were always behind with things. Always something to do and I found myself running around like crazy trying to do a million things at once. I cried a few times driving home from work over the amount of stress the job was giving me. Things with work improved once we became extremely close with one of the girls working there and it was such a nice change to have a friend to talk to and see out of work. Life felt more complete with having her in my life.

In September of 2011 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  I remember that Tuesday entirely down to what I was wearing.  It took weeks before we knew her prognosis and stage.  For all I knew she was stage 4. I had to continue to go to work, smile at customers,  plan meals, make meals, clean, handle finances,  all while having this 24/7 living nightmare and having to keep her spirits high. Then I had to sit in the hospital for 12 hours while she had part of her lung removed and every moment I waited to be told she didn't make it. All while seeing that look on my dad's face. You never want to see that much pain and worry on someone you love's face.

Fast forward to more recent events.  We moved back to trenton to be closer to our family. I wanted to be at all my mom's chemos. My old job offered me my old position back.  Mark was still working in Jackson and living at the cottage while I was living with my parents until we could get the house livable. I think I cried myself to sleep every single night. My thoughts get the best of me when I'm alone.

Now we are all moved in and mark has a job closer with better pay. My mom has a couple more chemos left. Things should be looking up except they're not because my childhood pet and the most extraordinary cat in the world is very sick. I missed one of my mom's chemos because she was so sick. I find out over the phone that my cat is diabetic and will need to be stuck with needles twice a day for the rest of her life to survive. I broke down and sobbed. Considered putting her to sleep then. I didn't want to ruin her life and put her in pain every day. She hated car rides and the vet and her being diabetic meant a lot of vet appointments for the rest of her life. I told the vet enough is enough and they walked away thinking euthanasia was what was going to happen.  I sat alone in the room and she meowed at me almost like it's okay mom, I want to be with you even if I am sick. Don't put me down. And so I didnt. And I watched her go up and down like a roller coaster. I worried about her every second at work. Worried about her the second I opened my eyes in the morning.

Every 6 months my mom would be rechecked for cancer. Worried about that. Worried God was going to hurt me more and cause Mark to get in a car accident on the way to work. Worried my cat was going to die. Worried about money. Always money. Wanted that seemingly perfect newlywed life with the white picket fence and living stress free and being in love and happy and in my mind we had been dealt a whole ton of shit. I never experienced that happily ever after newlywed thing because we were immediately thrown over our heads with problems. I was boiling inside over it. What should have been but wasn't. I didn't have friends to talk to. I always felt so alone and so angry. Nothing was good anymore. Sick cat, shitty job with customers who treated me like dirt, off and on sick mom, stressed dad, zero money, thousands of dollars in credit card debt, 2 shitty cars and waiting for one of them to take a permanent shit and be even more fucked.. A million things to fix up around the house which equals more money spent.

Anxiety and stress took me over. What used to be a laughable OCD turned into what I realize now was real OCD. Some dirt on the floor or a finger print on the microwave made me upset. Nothing was perfect and everything always needed to be perfect. I inspected the kitchen and every inch of floor space until it was perfect in my mind... it never was. Things like smudges and tiny bits of dirt were like permanent splinters. I was easily aggravated and could never explain why. Now I realize it was because I was and am suffering a personality disorder. 

I became pregnant in March of 2013. I was sick sick sick for probably the first 3 months. Still working, now full time. Experiencing the normal pregnancy issues with a sore back and being exhausted.  Still working, still broke, still with a off and on sick cat, getting everything ready for baby. November 5th I went into labor. I took it like a champ for the most part and I was really proud of myself for holding it together and even impressing both our parents. That was until maybe hour 33 and I was in the most pain I have ever been through. Imagine someone snapping your back in half. That's how it feels. And constantly re snapping it for 4 hours. Having Logan was no problem,  it was the back labor that was the worst.  But I had him within 25 minutes of pushing. Did great with that. He was perfect. Then the nurses decided he wasn't breathing the right way and take him away from me to the NICU. My hormones were all of of whack. I was exhausted from labor and delivery and lack of sleep. I was bleeding like I have never bled before. I was starving from not eating in over 2 days. I was sick of being stuck in that hospital room.  My nerves were majorly on end. I became quickly paranoid and suffered a huge mental breakdown. Sobbed uncontrollably in the bathroom for probably 45 minutes minutes for no reason whatsoever. Now looking back I know I had post partom depression for a good couple of months. I was horrible to Mark. I am guilt ridden over how I treated him now but I know it wasn't really my fault. I wasn't me.

Fast forward even more to May of 2014. My cat has taken a turn for the worst. I am still trying to be mother of the year, no longer working,  and also wife and daughter of the year. Trying to make everyone happy. Run the perfect household and life. Still while having major money issues and worrying about everything and everyone every second. House is never clean enough. There's a fingerprint on the stove. Jenifer keeps throwing up. Is she going to die? My mom's scans are coming up. Is she going to be okay?  Mark is 5 minutes late texting me that he has made it in one piece to work. Has he gotten in an accident? Is he dead?  How will I survive without him? He is pretty much my one and only friend and confidant.  What will I do if he's gone? Why hasn't he texted me? Shit did I hear a cop just pull up in the driveway?  No its just the asshole next door with his stupid truck running loud. Oh finally there's the text I was waiting for. Time to get back on track and be mom and wife of the year again. Our garage door broke. Our fridge broke. Everything is breaking. I feel my life breaking apart. Nothing is good anymore. I am all smiles with my son and I have never performed anything other than my best in terms of being his mother. But when he is sleeping that turns off for a minute and my severe anxiety and depression takes over. I am waking up sad. Going to bed sad. My cat is losing so much weight. I know in my heart she isn't fixable. And then we find out she isn't.  Her liver is failing. Happy birthday, Casey. Happy 1st Mother's Day. Happy, Happy, Happy. Then I wait around watching her suffer for a week until we are able to put her down.  Who do you have? Jenifer. A spay right?  No, you dumb fucking bitch. You are killing her today. How about you read your computer  before you make today any worse for us??? Jenifer is looking me in the eye as her eyes glaze over and she is dead. I hold her dead body in my lap all the way to the cemetery.  I smell her deteriorating body the entire ride. How will I go on without my darling cat, who has been part of my life for 18 years,  who has lived my life alongside of me, who loves me so dearly? I watch them put her in the ground but all I want to do is leave. I've had enough.

We do get a kitten who brings some joy into my life and gives me a sense of happiness.  Deep down the depression still lingers and consumes me. I feel like I'm putting on a happy mask every day when inside I am on fire. Everything sucks. My hands shake. I am losing so much sleep and my stomach often hurts.

July of 2014 is when I accept that I need to talk to someone and get on medication.  It is the best thing for my family that this time bomb is put out. I am sick of being sad, upset, stressed and not whole. I want to be happy. I don't want to be depressed anymore.  I don't want to have these anxiety attacks anymore.

So now I am on lexapro. So far it has helped a lot but I still find it easy to slip into my old habits.  I still am obsessing over losing loved ones. I am still experiencing OCD. I don't know if I am as sad. I think I am feeling better.  I missed a dose a couple of days ago and I sure do regret that mistake. The entire day I was on edge and felt like breaking down and crying. My hands shook. I couldn't explain why I felt like I did and it was really scary. No more missing doses.

Hopefully everything gets better from here. I really need an non negative atmosphere to heal. When arguments erupt I want to run far away.. I don't want to awaken that ticking time bomb I have hidden away inside me.

Thinking about everything we have been through and I have been through the past few years I have no regret over being on lexapro, it is kind of no wonder why I am the way I am. The fact that I am still functioning and have never given less than my best to my son is a complete accomplishment. I hope slowly but surely this disorder gets locked away for good.