Jenifer

I don't even know where to start with this post.  How do I start a post about an animal who I can't even bare to look at  pictures of or talk outloud about without tearing up? Every time I visit her at the cemetery I try to tell her I miss her but I can never get it out. I feel like I put her there. It was my fault. I could have done something more. Instead I listened to the vet talk me into giving her clavamox to treat the bacterial infection along her gums a couple months prior to her ultimate prognosis stupid, idiot me mixed up clavamox with baytril.. she had been on both in the past. Did well on one and the other tore up her stomach so she couldn't take it. I thought it was baytril she couldn't have. Wrong. I, myself,  gave her the tiny syringe of clavamox. Immediately she started vomiting and continued to vomit almost every half hour for the next 48 hours. It was the weekend, vet was closed. I thought I was going to have to put her down then it was that bad. But that Monday the vet gave her some fluids and she perked back up. Not eating for over 2 days can cause liver failure in cats. Jenifer's liver was failing in May. Was it a normal 18 year old cat's system shutting down naturally or was it my fault? Did I kill her? I was the one who GAVE IT TO HER.  I may as well have euthanized her myself.  I will never know if it was the clavamox that did it but I will forever have guilt in my heart and I will forever feel like I killed her. I know I killed her. She trusted me. Ultimately I caused her daily pain. Sticking her with needles, daily.  Watching her turn into a rack of bones. I still can't believe I will never see you again. Even though I was in the room kneeling down looking into your eyes as they glazed over and was left with your body in my lap riding to the cemetery,  even though I saw you in the coffin and watched them bury you, I still can't believe you are gone.  People are probably like why can't she just get over it, it is just a pet, just a cat. She was more than that. Then again everyone says that about their pet, that they are family. But she was with me for everything.  Everything. She was my bit on sanity I clung onto during my darkest times the past few years. Now it is Halloween time and all I see is black cat decorations. I want MY black cat. And she is alone, rotting  without me. This post has nothing to do with Louie. He is the best little boy cat there is. But Jenifer was my childhood pet, my special special darling cat. I miss her so much.  Losing her in May was the icing on my cake of insanity. September has really gone downhill.  I'm sad daily and no matter what I do I can't stop grieving. I saw my doctor on Tuesday.  One look at me and she suggested we double my dosage of lexapro. Hope it helps.